


In My Veins

by orphan_account, Paperadventures



Series: Tethered [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Bullying, Domestic Fluff, Drama, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Minor Character Death, Injury Recovery, Strong Language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-09-02 16:23:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8674405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paperadventures/pseuds/Paperadventures
Summary: Another summer has come and gone, dragging by in hot, humid days and seeming to hold with it the promise of something Lexa had been dreading for months now: returning to school. She hasn't been back on campus much since the night everything went wrong and now being back terrifies her.Or;Clarke and Lexa are both struggling with different challenges, but somewhere through the struggles, they try to mend each other in hopes of fixing themselves as well.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there everybody, Lexark and PaperAdventures back again. So, as you guys who keep up with us may know, this is out third story together that we are posting and working on at the moment. We are still writing with a lot to go but at the moment this story is at about 100k words and still growing, so you can expect that this will be posted and finished eventually, but because we are working on so many pieces at a time, we can not promise on an update schedule yet. Even though it is already written, we must edit it and that takes time. Please leave your thoughts down in the comments below and let us know what one of the stories your looking forward to the most, because your opinions will influence which of our new stories we choose to update most often. As always, thank you for reading and have a lovely day.

Another summer has come and gone, dragging by in hot, humid days and seeming to hold with it the promise of something Lexa had been dreading for months now: returning to school. She hasn't been back on campus much since the night everything went wrong and now being back terrifies her, because only a few weeks after incident when she returned, she had been verbally attacked constantly in each class and in the halls.

 

She had been harassed and bullied and shoved up against walls until panic was clear in her green eyes and she was desperate to escape. She had dropped out from university just a few weeks later because she couldn't handle the way she was treated, but that didn't stop the way Finn and her old friends would stop her whenever they saw her around the small town and make sure to give her harsh reminders that she's a bitch and that they will make her regret it if she ever steps foot on campus again.

 

Of course, she had tried to stay home, but her older sister Anya kept pushing her to go back, saying that online school isn't good for her and she needs to get out again. Lexa had refused to go back for the remainder of the year, but now that school is starting again she considers it a fresh start and carries her boxes into the empty room that has a number she had been given inscribed on the doorway.

 

She let's out a sigh as she manages to ungracefully push the door open with her hip and set the three heavy boxes with all her personal belongings in their stack on the ground. There are two decent sized beds and dressers, an attached bathroom and a desk area for working, and she can't help but letting out a deep breath of relief that she's finally able to see the place. It's not as nice as the apartment her parents had gotten her the year before, but it's still nice and cozy, so she likes it.

 

The only reason she's forced to stay in a dorm instead of where she was last year is because her older sister insist she isn't allowed to live alone and she will be happier if she has "a friend" living with her. The idea does sound appealing so she just lets out a deep sigh and sits down on the mattress while she glances around the room. She has an oversized sweater that is baggy but comfortable and some shorts that are almost completely hidden away by the long fabric of her jacket.

 

\--

 

On the other side of campus, Clarke is late. She is so fucking _late_. The girl huffs as she runs her fingers through her blonde locks, facing what must be the slowest traffic she’s ever saw in her life. She had everything planned the day before: Wake up early, put her boxes and bags on the car, get to her campus, organize her stuff, take a bath and finally met up with her friends before the party.

  


“As if,” Clarke scoffs, looking down at her (father’s) watch on her wrist before looking up ahead, tapping her fingers against the wheel of her car with a frustrated and bored expression.

  


Once the traffic start to flow better and faster, the girl is already very behind her schedule, knowing she wouldn’t have much time to get ready before Octavia and Raven shows up banging on her dorm’s door.

 

Clarke shakes her head, rolling her eyes at herself with a smirk on her lips as she thinks about her very loud friends. Part of her almost wanted her mother to be there with her, to help her carry the heavy stuff to her new room – as she sees a lot of others students with their family doing exactly that. But Abby is a very busy doctor and she doesn’t have time for her daughter since… Well, since a long time ago, if she is honest.

  


She has two bags over her shoulders and one box in her arm as she struggles to unlock the door, swearing under her breath when the key gets stuck. “Motherfucker,” She mutters and pushes the door open loudly, with an “Aha!” and a smug face.

  


Oblivious to her surroundings, Clarke throws her stuff on the floor and pushes them close to the empty bed, barely glancing to the other side of the room – She would have time for socialization later, when she finally get her stuff inside. Soon enough, with only two more trips to her car, she has her boxes and bags by her bed as she lays with her face pressed on the mattress.

  


“Motherfucker,” She repeats what she said minutes ago, chuckling throatily at herself. After another minute, she finally sits up and, after running her fingers through her hair to put it in place, she glances up to where a slim figure is seated by the desk area.

  


She freezes for a moment because she was almost sure she was alone in the room – mostly because of the silence – and she tilts her head to the side with an raised eyebrow, curling her lips in what seems to be disgust and she scoff, crossing her arms over her chest.

  


“Lexa? Can’t believe I will be sharing my room with the fucking junkie.” She remarks loud enough for her roommate to hear. Rolling her eyes as she gets up and grabs a few clothes from her bag, Clarke enters the bathroom and closes its door with a bang. “Fucking day can’t get fucking worse.” She mutters as she takes her clothes off. “Lexa fucking Woods. Of course the universe would fuck me up like this.” She snarls before entering under the shower spray and sighs deeply when the hot water hits her shoulders. Old memories come flowing in her head and she presses her eyes shut, clenching her jaw and pushing down the lump on her throat. “Motherfucking fuck.”

 

Lexa takes a few minutes to unpack her sheets from the boxes so that she can put them on the bed and make sure it's ready for her to lay down and sleep. She pulls out the comfy blanket she had brought with her from home and lays it over the bed with a content sigh before grabbing her favorite books and walking over to the desk area so she can start to stack them up on each other to save space. She makes a mental note that she should go out and get a small bookshelf to put somewhere so that she can bring in more to read, but for now at least, the messy stack will suffice just fine.

 

She's such a jumpy person that when she hears the door open to her room while she's not expecting it, she tenses instantly and looks over her shoulder to the back of a girl walking in carrying boxes and various supplies. Her green eyes are drawn to the long blonde hair and the pretty figure of the person, but when she turns around, Lexa instantly tenses because _holy fuck_ of course she would have the luck to get paired with Clarke Griffin. When the girl had started dating her old friend Finn, she had quickly learned that her beautiful outside is negated by her ugly personality.

 

It's then that Lexa turns back to the desk and sits very quietly at the small table like she wishes she could just shrivel up and disappear. It takes several more times of the blonde going in and out before she finally seems to get noticed. The reaction she gets it just about what she expected and so she just gazes over her shoulder at Clarke, seeing the look of disgust on her face.

  


“I'm better now.” Is her only weak defense of herself and then the girl is walking into the bathroom and ignoring her anyway. Part of Lexa hadn't expected anything to be different, but at the same time, she had been hopeful. So she just sits on her bed cross-legged and gazes at the wall, wondering what the hell she's gotten herself into this time. While Clarke might not have been the main antagonizer, she sure as hell was part of everything.

 

Once showered and dried, Clarke dresses up to the party and applies some make up, taking a very long time inside the bathroom. She pushes the thoughts about Lexa being her roommate away and focuses on getting ready before the girls arrive. Once her eyeliner is on point, she smiles at herself for a moment before nodding and getting out with a towel wrapped around her hair. She doesn’t spare a glance at the girl who is now seated on her bed, but she purses her lips and stops in the middle of the room, looking at her boxes and bags unpacked. She bites her lower lip and turns to the silent weird girl, glaring at her for a second before opening her mouth.

  


“Do I need to put locks on my stuff so you don’t steal them to buy your shit?” She crosses her arms over her chest and lets her eyes hover over the girl’s figure, taking her in for what must be the first time.

  


The girl looks skinny as fuck. Clarke wouldn’t notice it if Lexa’s calves weren’t at display. Her big eyes are deep green and they carry a dark ring under them, but it doesn’t surprise the blonde girl. At Lexa’s surprised and hesitant expression, Clarke huffs and rolls her eyes before turning back and stepping close to the mirror, taking the towel off her head and throwing it over her bed’ headboard.  She thinks about blow drying them, but the knock on her door makes the decision for her.

  


“Clarkeeeeey!” Raven shouts once she opens the door and is engulfed by four arms pulling her into a hug. Octavia is laughing loudly – already drunk probably, and finally Clarke feels like breathing. “We missed you so much, Griffin!” O says before entering the room as if it was hers, and jumping on Clarke’s bed with a lazy smile on her face. Raven follows suit and does the same, leaning her back against Octavia’s side.

  


“First day and your room is already a mess, Clarke.” The tanned girl says with a knowing smirk. Clarke just shrugs and runs her fingers through her damp hair, counting the seconds until one of her friends take notice of who her roommate is.

  


“Oh, no way.” Raven says with a scoff. Clarke grimaces and closes her eyes, stepping into the bathroom to brush her teeth while listening to the girls giggles.

  


“Fuck off, guys.” She mutters with her mouth full of toothpaste before spitting it on the sink. She is really not in the mood to think about the whole Lexa issue. Not when she is ready to party and drink until she loses her senses. – Until she is drunk enough to numb the pain.

 

Lexa takes a deep breath and as soon as Clarke walks out of the bathroom, she catches her green eyes locking onto the girl. Clarke really is beautiful, even if she is a total asshole. Her cheeks are full and rosy and she has thick eyelashes that shelter her perfectly blue eyes. Her body has curves in all the right places and from the few rare times she's seen the girl smile, she knows that's beautiful as well.

 

She's pulled out of her temporary trance when the girl speaks up, asking if she should lock her stuff and Lexa's expression instantly changes from indifferent to hurt, her eyebrows furrowing into a frown while she shakes her head slightly. She almost never talks. She wasn't like that as a child but the more she gets bullied, the more she has learned to keep her mouth shut if she doesn't want problems. Her hair falls around her face in gentle waves and she doesn't bother mentioning that she doesn't have any problem affording the drugs that she takes.

 

Her father is the CEO and her mother is the financial manager of Polis Industries, which is an investment company for many of the families with old money in the area. She sure doesn't seem like she's the daughter of two successful business owners based off the way she acts, and her parents are always too busy to be taking time off to be with her at college for visits, so it's something almost no one knows about her.

 

When two more girls come into the room she just wants to shrivel up and disappear because she wants privacy. She doesn't wasn't to be harassed in her room, or looked at like she's a thief, she just wants to be ignored. When she hears the comments about her she just gazes between Octavia and Raven.

  


“Hi.” She murmurs softly like that had just greeted her casually instead of scoffing about her being there. She adjust the baggy sweater around herself and sits up so she can go grab one of her boxes off the ground full of her clothes to start to unpack to unpack them. She knows that people think she's strange, because she's practically mute, only speaking when she's directly spoken to and sometimes not even then. It's only when she's around Anya or someone she really cares about that and of her real personality comes through.

 

\--

 

It’s probably 3am when Clarke stumbles into her room with a loud thump of her heels against the floor. She giggles, muffling the sound with her right hand as she tries to lock the door behind her with the other. The key gets stuck – again, and she huffs until she finally succeeds.  She loses balance once or twice on her way to the bed and it’s only when she sits down onto the mattress that the girl remembers that she haven’t covered it yet.

  


“Fuck,” She mutters under her breath, closing her eyes for a moment and feeling the dizziness growing by seconds. She presses the heel of her hands against her eyes hard, groaning as she slides down to the floor, pressing her back on the bed and throwing her head against the mattress, staying like that for what seems to be hours.

  


She still can taste the alcohol on her tongue, still can smell the cigarette smoke on her clothes and Finn’s strong colony fragrance. It lingers on her body and she parts her lips as she faces the ceiling, lost in thought. When she feels the drool drip from the corner of her mouth, she giggle first and then feels her eyes sting with fresh tears. Quickly she claps her mouth with her hand, impeding the sob to come out as she closes her eyes hard and pulls her knees up, embracing them with her free arm.

 

She doesn’t know how to stop the vicious cycle. The innumerous drinks and the meaningless sex and the auto destruction, eating her piece by piece every time she comes back feeling more and more void than before.

 

Once she gets her emotions under control, she takes off her heels, pushing them off and not really knowing or caring about where they might end up. She freezes when she hears the shuffling and shifting sound coming from the other side of the room and she remembers then about her roommate. Some memories flood her mind instantly and she feels her stomach churning hard, making her jump onto her feet quickly, stumbling, and running to the bathroom to throw up.

 

 

It's late in the night when Lexa hears the door open and shut, groaning lightly and rolling over in bed. She knows that it must be Clarke coming home so she just burrows deeper into the covers and tries to ignore the disruption. The stumbling around and quiet giggling makes it clear Clarke is very drunk so she ignores it when the girl falls to the ground, deciding that if Clarke wanted her to help at all then she shouldn't have been such an asshole.

 

It's not until she hears soft crying that a curiosity inside her turns on and she shifts around in the bed so she can lay her eyes on Clarke through the dark room. The girl looks a complete wreck, with makeup smeared under her eyes and her hair all messy. Lexa slowly starts to sit up out of concern, and that's when the blonde runs to the bathroom unsteadily, tripping and stumbling drunkly.

 

Part of Lexa wants to say fuck it, and let Clarke throw up and suffer the consequences of her drinking by herself, but there has always been a certain softness and compassion to Lexa that she can't deny, so she stands up and her eyebrows furrow together as she makes her way over to the bathroom, still wearing her baggy sweater, just now with soft cotton shorts instead.

 

She watches and flinches when she makes her way into the bathroom to see Clarke kneeling on the floor puking up her stomach, and she can't help but wonder where the girl's friends are. She knows about Clarke's reputation of going out and drinking, letting the boys get her wasted and then staying with them for the night. Lexa frowns slightly that she doesn't have someone taking care of her.

  


Very slowly and hesitantly, she walks over to where the girl is on the bathroom floor and squats down next to her. “You're okay.” She murmurs quietly, but only because she knows Clarke won't remember the next day. She still seems afraid the girl will lash out at her. “Deep breaths, it's alright. Let's go to bed.” Her voice isn't exactly kind but it's gentle and lacks any anger.

 

Clarke blinks a few times, looking up to the figure who is talking to her in a gentle tone. She start shaking her head but stop with a grimace when it makes her more dizzy than before. Bad idea, she thinks. She opens and closes her mouth a few times before dropping her eyes to the ground, feeling ashamed and angry at everything, but mostly at herself.

 

When she starts to feel the drool streaming on the corner of her mouth, she wipes it with the back of her hand and leans back against the cold wall, closing her eyes in the process. She doesn’t want help (she doesn’t deserve help, her mind remembers her) and she flinches, not able to contain the quiet whimper. Everything hurts so much and she can’t help the new tears running down her face as she forgets that she is being watched by the other girl. She should have had more drinks.

 

The fucking purpose of getting wasted is to fucking forget, not to make her the mess she is now. Letting out a shaking breath, Clarke leans her head against the wall as well. She presses her fingernails on her thigh, hard enough to break the skin if she wasn’t wearing pants. She muses about her options. Getting under the shower until she is sober enough to walk by herself to the bed, or stay where she is. It wouldn’t be the first time of sleeping on the bathroom floor with puke on her hair and shirt.

 

She jumps, muttering a “fuck” when she hears steps coming closer, making her open her eyes to face the face of a girl. Clarke frowns, as if she is trying to remember who the girl is before saying a “oh” as she nods slowly. Of course. Lexa is there. She chuckles ironically at the situation and closes her eyes again.

  


“I’m fine.” She states once she has her head against the wall. She chuckles again and shakes her head very, very slowly. When she opens her mouth to say something else – probably something mean to shut the girl out – she feels her stomach churning like before and she stumbles forward to throw up again.

 

Lexa just gazes at the girl blankly when she sees those familiar blue eyes staring at her questioningly, like she doesn't even know who she is. That idea appeals to Lexa for a moment because maybe just for a while she will be able to interact with the girl and not get instantly judged and humiliated. This however doesn't seem to be the case because just moments later recognition flashes before her eyes.

 

The brunette just hopes she's right in her assumption that Clarke won't remember anything because when the girl starts to throw up again, she just stands there and turns to the side, not reaching down to hold Clarke's hair or comfort her. She will help the girl get to bed but that's it. She doesn't owe her anything else. Not after the was she was treated.

 

Several minutes go by of Clarke on and off throwing up, fine one second and then puking again the other. Finally when Lexa is fairly sure the blonde is finished, she wraps her arm around her waist to help her up and very slowly begin to pull her to her feet then guide her into the bedroom.

  


Her attitude is indifferent but helpful, like she's only doing this because it would be wrong not to and not because she views Clarke as a friend. "Deep breaths. You're okay." Her words are calm and controlled as she guides the girl back to her bed. It's not yet made, so she grabs one of her own blankets and lays it on the mattress for Clarke, then sets the pillow against the headboard for the girl to lay down. "You're okay." She keeps soothing softly and gazes at Clarke. "You need to lay down and sleep. Do you need anything, first?" The question sounds exhausted but genuine, like if Clarke really needed her to do something than she would be willing to.

 

Clarke blinks slowly, watching as the girl moves around the room, covering her bed and placing a pillow against the headboard. She is still pretty dizzy but at least she is done with the puking part. She knows she should take a shower because she feels dirty and awful, but the prospect of laying down on the nice mattress speaks louder. She is lost in thought when she hears Lexa’s voice, making her raise her eyebrows and tilt her head to the side.

  


“Um.” She doesn’t know what to say because she wasn’t paying attention to the girl’s words. So she shrugs and starts to take her clothes off with difficulty. She stumbles a few times until she gives up, staying in her bra and with her pants stuck in the middle of her thighs. She sighs, shrugs again and moves the bed, closing her eyes as soon as she feels the nice pillow under her face. There is a nice smell on it, making her smile faintly.

  


“Thanks.” She says without filter, trying to kick her pants without succeed. Clarke huffs and gives up again, not really caring or feeling like standing up to take it off with her hands. With that last thought in mind, she finally falls asleep with her lips parted and a leg hanging out of bed.

 

Lexa turns her head to the side when Clarke casually starts to undress herself because it feels wrong to be gazing at the girl in her underwear when she's so drunk. She swallows hard and just waits until Clarke flops back on the matters before turning to look at her again, seeing her laying in a bra and panties with her jeans half way down her thighs.

 

Lexa hesitates because she doesn't want to do anything wrong, but after a moment of deliberation she leans down to slowly help pull the girl's jeans down off her legs, then quickly folds the blanket over the blonde so Clarke can be covered and warm. Before she can say anything, the girl is asleep and she just takes a deep breath before crawling back into bed, knowing the bathroom is going to have to be cleaned in the morning.

 

The clock shows that it's late at night and she sighs before trying to get comfortable again, all the while her green eyes are on Clarke. She can't believe the girl's friends just left her to fend for herself while she was that drunk. Anyone could have done whatever they like to her and she would have been too drunk to protest against it.

  
The thought makes her frown deeply. She by no means accepts the way Clarke treats her, but she can still pity the girl while agreeing that she treats her horribly and that likely won't change. Lexa sleeps with just the sheets on her bed instead of with her blanket, but she cuddles up against the pillow and closes her eyes.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The very loud alarm goes off and Clarke is struggles not to reach her phone and throw it over the wall. She grunts loudly against the pillow, shutting her eyes closed and pulling the blanket over her head. She forgot to set the shit off the day before and now it is blasting some annoying chinese ringtone that Octavia set up months ago. 

 

With a huff, the girl grabs her phone and turns it off, relaxing as soon as the sound is cut off. It takes her half an hour to finally blink her eyes open with a yawn. She run her fingers through her very messy hair, sitting up with her back against the headboard as rubs her eyes with the heel of her hands. 

 

Once she is partially wake, she looks down to face unfamiliar sheets, blankets and pillow, as well as with her almost naked body. The girl raises her eyebrows, blinking quickly again, before looking to the other side of the bed and feeling relieved for not being with someone. She hums, nodding to herself before standing up very slowly and dragging her feet along the floor as she makes her way to the bathroom.

 

Once there, she looks at her reflection on the mirror. The opaque blue eyes look right back at her and she sighs at the sight. It’s nothing new, really. She is used to this image of herself at least four times a week, especially when she is back on campus. 

 

The taste in her mouth is awful and she grimaces before setting the toothpaste on her toothbrush and brushing her teeth for a long time. Once finished, she pees for what seems to be decades and heads to the shower. 

 

There, she sighs loudly when the hot water hits her face and she takes long minutes to wash herself until she feels clean again. She knows that the dirty feeling won’t be coming off that easily, though. There isn’t a powerful shower in the world that could clean her soul. 

 

After showering, the girl dries herself humming a song under her breath as she steps out of the bathroom with her hair dripping and a towel around her naked body. “Uh.” She says, stopping when she sees Lexa, and for a moment she blushes because of the situation. “Um.” She bites her lip and turns her back to the girl before leaning down and grabbing comfortable clothes from her bag and running back to the bathroom.

 

\-- 

 

Lexa groans when an alarm goes off so early in the morning but she manages to roll over and ignore it. Despite this, she is a very light sleeper, so when Clarke gets up out of bed to shower, she gives up on going back to sleep because it's already 8:30 and she might as well get up. 

 

Her hair is a tangled, curly mess like it always is in the mornings and she just reaches her hand over to their nightstand so she can grab her reading glasses. They have thick rims and a dorky look to them so she never wears them outside of her room, but when she's reading it makes it easier on her to have them. 

 

She sits up to lean against the headboard, grabbing the book that had been left next to her the night before and beginning to continue on. She reads for at least a little while almost every morning and night because it helps her focus on something other than how she feels. 

 

When the bathroom door opens, her eyes automatically flicker up and she can't help how they widen at seeing Clarke in just her towel, with water dripping down the skin of her chest and legs, making Lexa swallow hard. She can't manage to pull her gaze away for some time but when Clarke turns she finally looks back down to the book in her lap, trying to pretend like that hadn't just happened. 

 

Once Clarke goes to the bathroom to change, she just sits there on her bed with the book in her lap but her mind elsewhere, thinking about Clarke and what had happened the night before. Lexa slept with only sheets because her usual blanket is covering Clarke's bed. She wonders how Clarke will react to everything.

 

\--

 

“What the fuck just happened?” Clarke mutters under her breath as she puts on some comfy clothes and dries her hair with the towel. The look on Lexa’s face was… Well, Clarke shakes her head to puff the thought away, hangs the towel on the hook by the door and steps out of the room feeling more like herself. Once she looks over her bed, she frowns again, noticing that the sheets aren’t hers. 

 

With a quick glance to the other side of the room, she notices Lexa without a blanket, wearing what must be the most nerdy glasses on her face. She would find it cute, if it wasn’t, well, Lexa. 

  
  


“Um.” She repeats her act from minutes ago and frowns slightly, not knowing how to deal with the discovered fact that the girl may have helped her the night before. 

  
  


“Is this yours?” She asks, and it’s probably the first thing she says to Lexa that isn’t mean or rude. She doesn’t wait for the girl to answer, though, as she turns around to take the sheets and blanket off her bed, folding them – messily, but she can’t help it since she isn’t good at this kind of thing – before placing  them over the very quiet brunette’s bed.

  
  


Clarke purses her lips, fighting herself not to say anything else, but she knows that somehow she kind of owes Lexa for whatever she did for her past night. “Thank you.” She says in a robotic voice, clearly forced and too polite to be caring or real, but there is it nonetheless. Now she can go back at being a bitch to the girl who fucked up Finn’s life two years ago. 

  
  


She bites the back of her cheeks as she start to unpack her boxes and bags, trying to mute everything around her and push the bad memories and thoughts from her head. 

 

Soon enough she has her books and clothes in their places, and her mattress covered with pillows, sheets and blankets. With a content huff, Clarke throws herself onto her bed and turns to her right side, coming to face a very concentered Lexa reading a large book. ‘Typical’, Clarke thinks, mildly curious and mildly annoyed by it.

 

\--

 

Lexa just gazes up, sitting tensely when Clarke ask if the blanket is hers because she's not sure what the girl will do if she says yes, so she ends up just sitting there with her lips parted and nothing coming out until Clarke just grabs everything off the bed anyway and messily folds it before setting it down on her bed. She looks up at the girl with her deep green eyes, always calculating, always thoughtful. 

 

When she hears two words come out of Clarke's mouth, they brighten up just for a second despite how forced Clarke seems. Before she can say something the girl is turning away, so she gazes into her book but she has a slight shift in her mood because that was the first time she's gotten something as simple as a "thank you" from someone in what feels like forever. 

 

She continues on reading her book "The Princess of Cleves". It's a classic French novel and since she doesn't have anyone to practice the language with in person, the next best thing is reading it. She's always loved learning languages and traveling, even though she hasn't done it too much. She can feel blue eyes gazing at her so she just looks over at the girl and let's out a soft sigh, unable to focus on her book.

  
  


“I hope we can get along alright. I don't mean to bother anyone.” The words are quiet and raspy with sleep and her eyebrows are furrowed into slight frowns. She knows she's not going to be able to change someone's view of her overnight but she wishes she could do something.

 

\--

 

Clarke keeps looking at the girl, as if Lexa was some kind of puzzle that she hasn’t quite understood yet. What she knows about the girl is what was told to her by her friends – apart from what happened couple years ago in that certain night where everything went to hell. Before that night, though, she used to hear about this depressed and very quiet girl who used to go to parties only to buy drugs and get wasted. A lot has happened since then, but Lexa doesn’t seem to have changed at all. 

 

Well, she knows how to dress better now – Clarke muses as she looks over the girl’s body for a second, before fixing her eyes on the very pale face across the room. She knows she is staring like a fucking creep, but she is still a bit hangover and feeling too lazy to move around and grab her laptop or phone. Before she can dwell much on it, she hears a very quiet and hesitant voice coming from Lexa’s lips, making Clarke blink surprised for a second before forcing her expression into a blank one. 

 

She almost says a ‘whatever’ followed by her rolling eyes and a snarl, but she stays quiet instead, furrowing her brows and pressing her lips together as if she is trying to figure the girl out. 

  
  


“Why did you do it?” She asks instead, knowing that Lexa would get the meaning of her question. “I know people weren’t very nice to you, but shit, you don’t think you went too fucking far?” She keeps questioning, not giving time for the girl to actually answer. “Do you know what happened to those people? Do you have any idea what it did to their future? I mean, god, what kind of person does that?”

 

\--

 

Lexa almost doesn't expect the blonde to answer her, but when she keeps their eyes locked and sees the contemplation in Clarke's eyes, she swallows hard because she knows she's going to get something and she isn't sure what that is yet. She hears the question Clarke ask her. It's one she's been asked a million times, but still she hasn't come up with a good answer for. 

 

She knows what the girl is talking about and she just saddens, her eyes losing whatever slightly cheerier gleam they kept from earlier. She considers just not talking and turning herself off again to block Clarke out, but she knows that if she ever wants things to get better for their living situation, she will have to talk to the girl. 

  
  


“I, uh-” She stutters and swallows hard, clearly not appreciating the topic of conversation. “I was on a lot pills and had drank a lot and I wasn't thinking.” She uses the same familiar lie. Most people she won't even explain herself to because nothing changes, but now she feels required to. “They had always been so horrible to me I guess I just wanted to hurt them back. I don't really remember.”

  
  


She shakes her head and closes the book that she's holding, just tracing the cover and steadying herself. “It's complicated. But I've paid for what I did every single day since it happened. I just want to forget it happened.” The brunette looks so desperate and just exhausted. Not tired like her body needs sleep, just absolutely worn out like she could never do anything except lay in bed again and she would be perfectly content with that.

 

Clarke frowns at the answer she gets and she props herself onto her elbow with her eyes fixed on the way Lexa talks, how the girl doesn’t really holds the gaze and uses her body as a shield, as if she is afraid of something. The blonde girl doesn’t quite understands it – the lie that comes easily from Lexa’s mouth. The girl is a bad liar, Clarke notices, watching as the brunette starts to fiddle with her book.

  
  


“I’m sure Murphy would like to forget as well, but he can’t.” She says, getting a bit aggressive without meaning to. “You know why? Because he was caught, and he is no Finn or Bellamy with lots of money on their accounts or rich parents to free his ass. Neither was Niylah, or Luna, or Jasper. They are still paying for it, Lexa.” She is now sitting on the edge of her bed, clenching her fingers around her thigh as she remembers being cuffed and thrown into the back of a police car for being caught with alcohol and pot. 

  
  


She feels guilty for being free – Her mother dealt with everything – while some of her friends are still struggling. But her pile of guilt is already full and it’s easier, so, so, so much easier to throw the blame on Lexa, who is a good target. 

  
  


“They can’t forget.” She says in a low tone of voice now, looking down as she grips the mattress with both hands before looking up at Lexa with a small shake of head and brows slightly furrowed. “I can’t believe you are still lying about it, though.” She says quietly, as if she is somehow disappointed by it.

 

Lexa quivers and takes deep breaths now that Clarke is sitting up and focusing on her completely. As her anxiety builds up, she just quivers and has to sit on her hands because they shake noticeably whenever she is under intense stress. She doesn't know how to handle herself without her pills. The more Clarke comes at her with her harsh tone and her piercing eyes, the more Lexa just shakes her head and looks at the bed. 

  
  


“I'm sorry.” She says gently, her hands wringing themselves and fiddling with the sheets. “I'm not lying. I don't remember anything about it.” She whispers, and the phrase is partially true. “I'm sorry.” She repeats again and her eyes glance down to her bag that's on the floor, clearly contemplating taking something to help herself relax. It's not good timing and she knows that but she can't help the way her body craves a smoke or some pills in her system to help her calm down and go numb. She bites the inside of her lip hard enough to draw blood and she sets her book down on the nightstand, sitting cross-legged so she can look right at Clarke. 

 

“If I could take it back I would. I would do anything to be able to go talk to someone in my class without them instantly saying horrible things to me. I would give anything to make a few friends.” She doesn't even think about the words but as soon as she says them she regrets it and clenches her jaw, eyes dropping down to her bag. She knows she sounds pathetic and she tries to think of something to cover for herself.

  
  


Clarke was about to reply with more harsh words when she hears the last sentence coming out of Lexa’s mouth. She frowns harder and swallows hard. Part of her wants to pity the girl, honestly. The other part wants to cross the room and shake Lexa by her shoulders or shove her against the wall and… Well, she blinks her eyes a few times to regain control of her mind and situation. 

 

She glances curiously at the girl’s bag on the ground before watching how the brunette trembles and shivers. Clarke stays quiet for a minute, trying to understand what is happening before coming to a realization.

  
  


“You want to get wasted, don’t you?” She states, and it’s more like an affirmation. She then gets up and slowly makes her way to the other side, stopping by the bag and crouching down next to it. “You have drugs in here, Lexa?” She asks, challenging the girl. Luring the girl. (Punishing the girl). “How badly do you want to take one of your pills right now?” There is a teasing in her voice and she grinds her teeth together hard, for a moment considering on taking the pills herself. It could work, she thinks before pushing the thought away. 

 

“You surely won’t be getting any friends by being a fucking junkie.” She remarks roughly, standing up suddenly and going back to her bed. “You want us to get along?” She scoffs and chuckles ironically before turning to her phone. “What a fucking joke.” She mutters under her breath, shaking her head and muffling the pang of guilt for treating the girl like that.

 

Lexa watches how Clarke's eyebrows furrow and the girl watches her closely and she doesn't know what to expect so she swallows hard. When the girl finally speaks, any hope she had in her stomach that Clarke would be nice to her is gone. “No, I don't.” She murmurs quietly and shakes her head, but Clarke speaking up again and getting out of the bed makes Lexa tense and grip her sheets because the girl is sitting with a hand on her backpack that she knows very well is full of drugs. Some prescription, some illegal, some stuff she doesn't even know what it is but she will still take it. 

 

“I can't do that I'm-” She doesn't get a chance to finish telling the girl she's been trying to stop. She's been trying to get better and she hasn't taken anything besides her antidepressants in three weeks, but the girl has this harsh look and she's practically teasing Lexa over her addiction and the brunette can't take it, so the cruel words about not being friends with a junkie and her being a joke, which she very well already knows, is the last thing she needs to hear before she stands up and walks down to the floor, picking up her bag and giving Clarke a look that could kill. 

 

“You have friends but you're an alcoholic.” She snaps back harshly before picking up the small bag and locking herself in their small bathroom. 

 

She's shaking now from anger and stress and she unzips the bag quickly before pulling out one of the many painkillers she has and dumping two pills on the counter. Her hands shake but she still manages to crush them and dump out the dust on the counter, using her credit card to slide the powder into thin lines. She ties her hair up in a ponytail and is disgusted with herself because she's so relived just from the sight in front of her so she leans down and plugs one nostril before inhaling deeply across one line, then the other. 

 

She would usually just take a handful of pills because it's better for you than snorting them, but now she wants relief and she wants it instantly so she makes sure she's got any remnants off the counter before shoving everything inside and zipping up the bag. 

 

When she walks out of the bathroom she lets out a deep sigh and shoves the backpack under her bed before laying down on the bed, clearly more relaxed already. It would be easy to assume she had just taken a sedative but the white powder under the right side of her nose makes it clear she's into something harder.

 

\--

 

Something inside Clarke snaps, breaks and squeezes hard when she watches with parted lips how the girl gets up with her backpack, accuses her of being an alcoholic – something that would make Clarke laugh or flinch or snarl something back – and almost run inside the bathroom, closing the door with a loud thump and locking it afterwards.

 

The blonde girl tenses because she is a lot of things, but she sure isn’t the kind of person who would push someone into their addictions. Right? She was just… Teasing. It wasn’t like she wanted Lexa to actually take whatever she was hiding on her bag. 

 

She stands up quickly and steps close to the bathroom door, but hesitates and stops, deciding not to knock on it. Maybe there is no drugs in the bag and maybe she is just exaggerating and jumping into wrong conclusions. Maybe the girl just wants to be alone, and after what Clarke told her, she understands why she would want distance. 

 

Clarke sighs loudly and goes back to bed, sitting on it’s edge again with her eyes fixed on the door and her lower lip sucked into her mouth. 

 

It surely doesn’t take much for Lexa to come out with glassy eyes, white power under her nose and the most relaxed expression Clarke’s ever seen on the girl’s face, and her stomach churns wildly, making her freeze and tense. Her heartbeat is fucking crazy because that’s not what she wanted. That’s not… The kind of person she is. 

 

For a moment she muses about going out and ignoring it. It’s too early to have a drink be she still could go to Finn’s and he surely would fuck her into oblivion. She doesn’t move, though. She stays with her eyes fixed on the motionless body of the girl laying down on her bed and her eyes fall on the badly folded sheets that till lays over the mattress, making Clarke flinch and bite her lip hard enough to hurt but not to break the skin. 

 

She crawls on her bed until her back is pressed against the wall. She pushes her knees up against her chest and she wraps her arms around her legs, resting her chin on the slit between them. Her shaded blue eyes is fixed on Lexa and she decides to watch the girl. She doesn’t know what kind of drug her roommate is into, but she knows what she should do if something goes wrong.


	3. Chapter 3

Lexa takes a deep breath once she's laying on her bed because her body has been shaky and desperate to get drugs for the last few weeks.

She had been so damn close to taking them every day, but she had resisted the urge because even though it feels good at the time, as soon as she comes down from the high, she regrets it and feels worse. So she lays there calmly, looking content for one of the first times because now she's plenty drugged up and can't focus on anything because snorting those pills gets them into her system so damn fast.

She takes deep breaths and her green eyes gaze at Clarke when she realizes the girl is gazing at her.

"You were right." She slurs softly. "I feel better." Her hands don't shake anymore and she has evened out her breathing so she's able to relax.

Clarke wants to throw up at the slurred words thrown at her and she grips harder on her legs, feeling ashamed and guilty and not knowing how to deal with all of that on top of her own problems. She closes her eyes for a moment, biting the back of her cheeks hard and resting her forehead against the crack between her knees.

Lexa doesn't know how long she lays there just staring up at the ceiling, feeling Clarke's eyes on her, but after what feels like a short amount of time, he phone rings and it's a FaceTime call from Anya.

She seems to realize that she's not in the right state of mind to talk, so she ignores it, her eyebrows just furrowing together. When it's finally quiet for a few seconds, she smiles softly but then sits up when it starts up again just a moment later. She sighs and sits up, wiping her nose and eyes to try to get rid of the clear look that she's high.

"Hey Anya." She says quietly when she picks up the FaceTime call and looks at her sister through the screen.

"Lex, how is it? Is everything okay? I just wanted to check in." The brunette takes a moment to reply but eventually nods her head.

"It's okay." She murmurs and sighs softly, but Anya instantly knows it isn't okay. Lexa is her little sister and she always notices things like that about her.

"Lex, are you high? Look at me." The girl demands and the brunette just frowns deeply, not even caring that Clarke is next to her. "You were clean, Lexa! Three weeks! I know moving in is stressful but god damn it you-" Lexa hangs up the call and turns off her phone before flopping back into her pillow, ignoring the worry and the anger in her sister’s tone.

Clarke watches from her bed as the girl first ignores her phone before finally sitting up, cleaning her face slowly and accepting the call. A voice of a woman echoes in their room and Clarke flinches slightly as the conversation develops, but it’s only when she hears the woman – Anya? – scolding at Lexa and remarking that she was clean for almost a month, Clarke gasps and blinks a few times, feeling the guilt eating her quickly. She is familiar with the sensation, really. She knows it will fuck her up sooner or later, so she stays put, adding this one more fact onto the pile of things that she blames herself for.

There is a lot of things she should do as she watches Lexa turning her phone off and laying back down. She should get on her feet and cross the room and bring water – because soon enough the girl’s body will be needing it. She needs to monitor her, and reassure her and fucking say sorry for what she did. But fuck, her body doesn’t obey. She stays still, trapped in her self-hate. Doubting herself. Listening to the voices that says that she would do no good for Lexa. That she did enough. That she should stay away and not taint her with her dirty destructive hands.

It’s only after what must be an hour later that Clarke finally moves to stand up. She is hungry and she knows Lexa must be too, so she reaches for her phone and orders an italian take out for the both of them. Once she is up, she goes to the mini refrigerator and takes a bottle of water from there before placing it on the nightstand close to the girl’s bed. “Drink it.” She says, flinching when her voice comes out rougher than she wanted. “Please.” She adds quietly before sitting down on the floor cross-legged with her back against Lexa’s bed.

Lexa just lays there and relaxed for the time being. She knows that after what happened Anya is going to call again and again and just get more worried, but for now, she can't handle talking to her. When the drugs start to wear off, she will send her a text that everything is okay. The brunette watches with glassy eyes as Clarke calls somewhere to order food and her eyebrows furrow together, because is that for her? She isn't sure but when the girl gets up and brings a bottle of water for her before sitting down on the floor, it takes Lexa a moment to process what's going on.

When she realizes Clarke is trying to take care of her, after she drove her into snorting pain pills into her bloodstream, the brunette hesitates and gives Clarke a look that suggest she might just tell her to go fuck herself, but then she gazes at the water bottle again and that tiny nice thing seems to be enough to make Lexa change her mind. She reaches for it and takes a long drink, realizing how thirsty she had actually been, then gazes at Clarke. She lays her head on the edge of the bed so their faces are near to each other and she can try to read whatever is in those blue eyes.

"You know, you're not like the other people." Is the first thing that comes out of her mouth, and she has this tiny, soft smile. "They feel better. They look happy after they attack me enough that I break down." Her eyebrows furrow together. "You don't seem happier though." She murmurs and reaches up to run a hand through Clarke's hair as she lays there, high as fuck. It's gentle, and careful.

Clarke wasn’t expecting Lexa to lay her head close to hers, much less for the tone of voice of the girl to come out so soft, or the hand stroking her hair in a gentle way. She fights the urge to flinch or move, because she /can’t/ accept that kind of gentleness or care. She doesn’t deserve it. But she is selfish and it has been so, so, so long since someone actually touched her without wanting something out from her, that she just stay still for a minute before glancing at the big eyes of the girl tentatively.

"You know what's sad?" Lexa whispers quietly, like she's about to tell a secret. "You've done and said horrible things to me with that group of kids I used to hang out with. Not to mention the pills right now. That was only partially your fault though, I wanted to take them anyway." She's babbling because putting together her words while the drugs are hitting her full effect is difficult. "But, you know, after everything I still think I would look past everything just because I really want a friend."

Clarke drinks in Lexa’s words, understanding that she too is seeking something, a little tiny gentleness, and Clarke clenches and clenches her jaw because yes, it is sad as fuck that the girl is so desperate for someone that she is willing to look past what she has done to her. The blonde girl closes her eyes and turns her head to lay its back on the girl’s mattress before sighing loudly.

She could treat the girl better. Stop messing with her on the corridors. Stop calling her names. Stop pushing her down and stop supporting her friends that do the same – and worse – to Lexa. After a long time of silence, she opens her eyes again and turns her head to the side to look at the girl again.

“I can’t make any promises.” She says, because she is a lot of fucked up things, but Clarke is loyal as fuck and she will stand by her friends first. But she also know that inside the dorm, she could try to be a good roommate. She wants to. She just doesn’t know if she can. “Are you feeling better?” She asks, knowing that Lexa is high as fuck, and musing if it would be weird for her to check the girl’s temperature.

Lexa smiles when Clarke ask if she's feeling better and she just nods because she always feels better when she's high. "Yeah. I'm okay." She promises softly and keeps gently stroking Clarke's hair. The girl seems like she's debating pulling away, but the blonde leans into her hand so she keeps going and gently guides Clarke closer to her, not in a sexual way, just wanting to be near to someone.

After a second thought, Clarke raises her hand and touches the slightly damp forehead of the girl. With a small nod at herself, Clarke sighs quietly, relieved that Lexa isn’t having side effects to whatever she took earlier.  She doesn’t take her hand back, though. Instead, she grazes her thumb over the girl’s skin, wiping her sweat slowly as she looks into the green eyes for a moment.

"It means a lot that you are kind right now." Lexa murmurs and strokes Clarke's jaw line. "Some people are worse to me when I'm high. Or they want something from me." She explains and sighs softly. "Sometimes I get into bad situations because no one cares to look out for me. They think of I get high then I get what I deserve." It's clear that Lexa is someone who will talk about very sensitive topics when she's high. She doesn't just laugh and pass out, she will talk about anything and admit things she never will when she's sober.

"You know what, we should smoke." She murmurs gently and sits up from the bed, still stoking Clarke hair absent mindedly. She reaches down to pull out her backpack from under the bed and before Clarke can take it away from her, she starts to take out bottles of pills and lay them on the bed, not even caring that there are illegal pills and strong prescription ones in bottles right there in front of the girl. She smiles when she grabs a pack of joints in the bottom of the pack and waves them in front of the blonde. "It's just weed. It will draw out the high of the pills." She explains quietly, too blissed out to be thinking clearly.

Clarke withdrawals her hand once the girl sits up, and she frowns at the suggestion. She isn’t sure what to make of it as she watches Lexa leaning down and taking her bag from under the bed. Her eyebrow raises high when she sees – and recognizes – a lot of illegal and very strong pill bottles on the mattress and she shakes her head before saying a very firm “No.” She then turns her body fully to face the girl, getting on her knees and taking the bottles to shove them back into the bag.

“No, Lexa. You will finish your bottle of water, then you will take a fucking long shower and come back to bed to finish another bottle of water.” She says in a clipped tone, taking the joints from the girl’s hand and throwing it back into the bag before zipping it closed and pushing it under the bed again.

“You are already high and I have no fucking idea what you inhaled.” She says in a more gentle way, looking up at the sitting girl with what must be worried eyes. She swallows hard as the girl’s previous words echoes on the back of her mind and she wonder if one of those people were some of her friends. She shakes her head slightly and stands up before offering her hand for Lexa to take.

“Come on.” She moves her fingers to get the girl’s attention and once she has it, she helps her getting up. Once Lexa is up, Clarke grabs the bottle of water and hands it over to the girl with a pointed look. “Finish this.” She says – more like orders, and crosses her arms over her chest.

Lexa lets out a deep breath when Clarke helps her get up because she's unsteady on her feet. She clutches onto the girl and takes deep breaths when she's handed the water bottle. Clarke seems more concerned than angry and Lexa just gives the girl a soft smile and leans against her shoulder as she takes a long drink from the bottle.

"I don't want to shower. I'm a little unsteady. I just want to lay down." It's been so long since she's had something that just the two strong painkillers are enough to make her unsure of herself. Most girls her size, it would be enough to completely knock them out if they snorted them like that, but she's grown accustomed to the drugs working in her system.

"I promise I haven't taken too much." She says quietly and stumbles back slightly when she pulls away from Clarke so she can sit on the edge of the bed. She spills a bit of the water by accident and doesn't seem to really mind because she just keeps sipping it, her stomach feeling unsettled and empty.

"Clarke, I just don't want to be alone." She murmurs and looks up at the blonde with a deep frown and big green eyes. Right after she says the words, a thin line of blood starts to drip from her nose and she doesn't even seem surprised when she reaches up to wipe it away, smearing it under her nose and on the back of her hand then flinching slightly when she realizes it's blood. "That's okay. That happens sometimes, you know?"

Clarke shakes her head again before getting on her knees to be on the same level of the girl who is now sitting on her bed and clumsily sipping water from the bottle. The blonde girl frowns at Lexa’s words, but nods anyway. She swallows down the ‘Well, you are not alone right now, are you?’, because it would be too much, or too real, or too… Something. She flinches at the thought and at the sight of blood under Lexa’s nose.

“It’s not okay,” She says, rolling her eyes and sighing loudly before standing up again and taking her clothes off, staying in her underwear.

When Clarke stands up and begins to undress herself, Lexa's eyes just get a little bit wider and she can't help staring because /holy shit/ Clarke is beautiful. She's got beautiful curves and flawless skin that makes Lexa just gaze over her, too drugged up to care about it being improper.

“Come on,” The blonde reaches for Lexa’s hand again, pulling the girl onto her feet before taking the empty bottle and placing it over the nightstand. “I’m going to take your clothes off,” She warns and waits for Lexa to give her permission.

She isn't sure at first when Clarke offers to undress her, but when she sees how the girl waits and gazes at her for permission, she just nods her agreement. Pretty soon Clarke is pulling off her shirt and pants, leaving her on display in simple underwear and a bra. Lexa looks down at herself and she's scrawny compared to Clarke. Most drug addicts are she supposes.

“I'll help you get in the shower but I’m not going to wash you. I have my limits.” She states, as if she is annoyed or forced to be doing all of this – when, actually, she is finally feeling useful, knowing that she is the one who caused all of this in the first place. Once Lexa is too in only her underwear, Clarke gets on her feet and holds the girl’s hand firmly as she guides her to the bathroom. She gently pushes Lexa against the wall with a firm “stay here” before turning to quickly grab towels and to turn the shower on.

When Clarke gently pushes her against the wall, Lexa laughs and bites her lip before nodding and watching the blonde move around the bathroom. It fills with steam from the hot shower and she sways unsteadily when she sits up until Clarke's strong arm wraps around her and helps guide her under the warm water. She is leaning heavily against the girl and clutching her shoulders, needing to lean her weight against Clarke's front so she doesn't fall. Her hair is soaked from standing under the shower head and she groans quietly because nothing sobers her up faster than standing under the hot water.

The blood around her nose starts washing away and she sighs quietly, looking pale and scrawny with traces of blood on her face, half dressed in the shower. If that isn't the perfect image of someone who's fucked up, than she doesn't know what is.

Clarke sighs quietly when she feels the hot water hitting her face and body as she holds Lexa firmly in place. By the way the girl is clutching on her shoulders, she knows that if she steps away, Lexa would fall down.  So she stays still, letting the water hit the brown hair of the girl and smear the blood under her nose, making it drip down on the corner of her mouth and chin. Clarke rolls her eyes and brings a hand up to wipe and wash the blood off of Lexa’s face

"You're being nice to me." The brunette whispers to Clarke and gazes into her blue eyes. "You seem so gentle. I know Finn isn't gentle." She murmurs and holds Clarke's hand to stay steady, seeming genuinely upset at the idea of Clarke around Finn. "Did you know that? Finn isn't nice to girls, you should be careful." Lexa is looking at her seriously through those glassy eyes and she scratches gently at the baby hairs on the back of Clarke's neck as if despite the situation, she wants to comfort her.

Clarke stops when she starts to pay attention to the girl’s words. She cringes and closes her eyes for a second, grinding her teeth and clenching her jaw hard.

“Shut up,” She says firmly, snapping her eyes open to look into glassy green orbs. “Shut the fuck up.” She doesn’t need someone good. She doesn’t need someone touching her or caressing her or worshipping her. She needs exactly what Finn provides her. The rough sex, the poor treatment. The neglect and the fun. “I’m not nice to him either,” She says after a moment. And it is true. She doesn’t care much for the boy. Not like she did once, years ago. When she was young and needy and her father was still alive, and Finn was there. He was there. But then Jake died and they both destroyed each other until there was nothing else to save, but the angry sex.

“You don’t know me.” She remarks before continuing to wipe the girl’s face carefully until her nose finally stops bleeding.

Lexa frowns gently when she hears Clarke talking about her relationship with Finn, because Clarke hasn't been kind to her most of her life and she would assume that the two deserve each other, but after today, she seriously has to wonder. Even if Clarke doesn't want to let other people know, she does have a gentle and a caring side. Hell, Clarke could have let Lexa just pass out there on the bed, but now here they are under the shower together just standing there in wet undergarments with their hair sticking to their backs.

“What truly happened that night?” Clarke knows what she is asking, and she doesn’t expect much from Lexa, honestly. But she knows there is more than the pathetic little story the girl told her.


	4. Chapter 4

When Lexa hears Clarke asking her about that night all that time ago that ended up being the beginning to a new kind of hell and she just frowns deeply and runs her fingers through her hair while she looks up at Clarke. Part of her knows she's high and shouldn't say anything, but another part of her is just so damn tired and she thinks that if she admits this to Clarke, the girl might forgive her, just a little bit. 

"I'll tell you something no one else knows." She says in a gentle voice, her words partially drowned out by the sound of the water. She looks down at Clarke's and her's hands holding each other, and even though she knows it's only so she doesn't fall to the ground, it's still comforting. 

"Everyone hates me." She murmurs with her eyebrows furrowing together, "But I didn't do it." She tells the blonde and then gives her a sad smile while reaching up to wipe her hair out of her face so she can see the girl's blue eyes. "I didn't call the cops on Finn. I swear to god. I never called the police."

Clarke thinks she should be surprised by it, but she isn’t. She takes it in silence, watching the water dripping over Lexa’s face as the girl tells her in that quiet voice of hers that she isn’t the guilty one. It makes more sense, really, and now that she has heard it, she thinks she should have guessed it. Lexa doesn’t seem to be the vengeful type. She strikes more like someone who would cover for another person and stay quiet about it. Clarke nods then, slowly and thoughtful. 

Lexa feels a certain relief once she admits that. She had never told anyone what really happened that night so just letting Clarke know a piece of the story makes her feel better, even though when she comes down from the high, she knows she will regret it.

“Okay.” Clarke says to let the girl know that she believes her. She squeezes Lexa’s hand with hers before reaching the faucet behind her back and turning the shower off. “Stay put.” She mutters as she pushes Lexa against the wall gently, like she did before, and steps out of the box to dry herself and, with her back turned at Lexa, she put a robe on and takes her soaked bra and panties off before tying the robe’s knot on her waist. Once she is done, she offers her hand for Lexa to take, guiding and helping the girl out as well before engulfing her with a fresh towel. 

“I won’t press you to tell me who did it,” She says as she tries to dry Lexa’s damp hair in a clumsy way and places the towel around the girl’s shoulders once she is partially satisfied. “But what you are doing is bullshit.” She tells her and reaches for the other robe, handing it to Lexa. “I know you must be protecting someone you care, but they are a shitty friend for letting you be beaten up for something you didn't do.”

Despite Clarke's quiet scoring, she Lexa feels good. Not the kind of numbed she gets from being high, this is real genuine feeling of content at being taken care of. Part of her knows she should be self-conscious or feel strange, but she doesn't. 

She considers what Clarke says about her protecting her friend, and she just thinks that the girl is wrong. She isn't not telling the whole story to protect the person who called the cops, even though they are very close to her. She isn't telling the whole story because she did something else that night and she rather have everyone think she's a snitch as opposed to have everyone hear the true story. 

So many times, the person who really called had told Lexa she would let everyone know the truth, that it would be okay, but Lexa begs her each time not to, crying and saying she can't handle it getting out. She rather just take the consequences of everyone thinking she's a bitch.

"It's okay. If I told them I didn't do it, they would find out what really happened and I don't want that." She murmurs and let's Clarke guide her to her room with her hair still in damp waves around her shoulder. She walks over to her bed and gets out a baggy teeshirt that is big enough to be a dress she just turns her back to Clarke before taking off her bra and pulling on the shirt, then replacing her underwear with dry ones and flopping down on the bed. When she's sober, she is always very covered and self-conscious, but when she's high she couldn't care less. “Sit with me.” 

Clarke rolls her eyes, mildly annoyed, but curious about what Lexa want now so she sits crossed legs with her back against the wall and her face turned to the girl with furrowed eyebrows.

"Thanks Clarke." Lexa murmurs and takes a deep breath, not even seeming to care about the fact the blonde was the reason she took the pills in the first place. "You're beautiful." She tells her softly but she doesn't do anything else, just gazes at her and says those words because she doesn't have a filter and she knows, everyone knows, the boys Clarke are with treat her like shit, so she deserves to hear it.

The complement takes Clarke by surprise and she purses her lips, frowning and looking at Lexa as if she is out of her mind. And, well, the girl is out of her right mind. Clarke hums and averts her eyes to the other side of the room, to where her very messy bed is. She notices the discrepancy between the both sides – how Lexa always keeps hers tidy and organized, while she can’t even cover her bed well enough. 

“Thank you.” She says a few seconds later, because yes, she does hear that kind of thing a lot, especially from the boys who want to fuck her, so she doesn’t really know what she is supposed to say or do when someone is complimenting her without second intentions. 

She then turns to Lexa again, noticing the damp curly hair lying over the girl’s shoulders, the dried plump lips, her rosy cheeks and how her eyes are truly dazzling. She part her lips to return the compliment. To let Lexa know that she is probably the most beautiful girl she’s even seen, but she doesn’t.

This would be crossing a line and she is too sober to start talking without a filter. So she pats the girl’s arm and climbs out of bed. “You should lie down. Food will be here in a few.” She says as she goes to the mini fridge and takes out another bottle of water before placing it on Lexa’s nightstand. “Drink this.” 

She then turns to her side of the room with her back to the girl and grabs her undergarment from her bag – remembering that she should unpack her stuff soon – and after she puts her very comfortable boxers and bra on, she lets go of her robe, deciding to pull an oversized shirt that covers her thighs.

Lexa smiles softly and runs her fingers through her hair because doesn't know what she expected to happen but she's satisfied so she just relaxes and gazes at the girl, not really knowing what any of this means. One moment Clarke is being horrible to her and the next she is holding her in the shower and ordering take-out for the both of them to share. 

Obediently, she begins to drink the next bottle of water and she turns on her phone after she's halfway finished so that she can talk to Anya. She sees 9 missed calls and a shit load of text messages asking if she's okay and Lexa just lets out a deep breath before opening up the messages. She takes a picture of herself and sends it to her sister before typing to her. 'I'm okay. I took a shower and my roommate is sitting with me and we are going to eat dinner here.’ 

It's short but she knows Anya will be relieved, and after just a few seconds her sister is responding, both scolding her for ignoring the messages and seemingly very happy that she isn't alone.

Clarke turns to Lexa when she hears her deep breath cutting the silence. She watches as the girl for a moment before turning her back to Lexa again, closing her eyes hard and pressing the heels of her hands against them for a second. She can’t fucking believe she made the girl break her sobriety. 

'Is your roommate there? Bless her heart tell her thank you so much. We are talking about this later, Lexa.' Lexa reads the message and smiles slightly, glad her sister isn't upset anymore. 

She leaves her phone sitting on the bed and watches Clarke as the girl just stands there by the door. "Come sit down until the food comes." She says gently and yawns, clearly getting pretty close to crashing from the high she's been on.

Clarke looks at the empty spot on Lexa’s bed and rolling her eyes, she nods and complies. 

“Finish your bottle.” She is orders as she sits down, running her fingers through her blonde locks before pulling them up and fixing a messy bun on the back of her head. 

She lets her eyes hover over Lexa’s figure, trying to see if there is something wrong with the girl, but she just seems tired. “No sleeping before eating.” She says firmly and adjusts herself onto the bed, trying to find a comfortable position for a few minutes and then settling down against the wall like before. “How are you feeling?” She asks eventually, not wanting the silence to lull the girl into sleeping. 

Lexa nods her head at Clarke's request and let's out a sigh, smiling gently as the girl. The brunette knows she should just stay on her side of the bed and relax until the food gets here, but in the moment she is tired and wants to be close to someone. 

"I'm feeling okay." She hasn't had anyone be as kind as Clarke in a long time so she just looks at the girl with big sad eyes before crawling closer and only hesitating for a second before leaning against the blonde's shoulder and melting into her. 

She nuzzles into the nape of Clarke's neck and slowly wraps an arm around her stomach. She's high enough to be pretty messed up, and this could just be a side-effect of that, but part of her knows that she just wants more. She wants contact and comfort and for someone to hold her. 

Clarke freezes when Lexa gets close to her and seeks physical comfort like that. She stays still, a bit alarmed and awkward at being touched and she blinks a few times, feeling Lexa crawling and tucking closely against her.

"My sister says thank you." Lexa murmurs quietly and gazes up at Clarke from her place on her shoulder. "She always has to take care of me when I do this shit." She keeps speaking quietly and shifting so she's more comfortable against the girl. "And when I told her you were here with me she was so relieved because now I won't be alone." 

She closes her eyes for a minute and plays with the fabric of Clarke's shirt in a gentle way. Unlike the way some boys will treat Clarke like shit and only touch her to make it sexual, Lexa is the opposite. She admires without objectifying the girl and gently traces her skin. Her body is shivering slightly even though the room isn't that cold and she just pulls the blanket Clarke had slept with last night over herself so she can hold it against her.

Clarke takes a few deep breaths before relaxing and placing a hand on the girl’s arm over her stomach. “Um.” She doesn’t really know what to say or do as she listens to Lexa’s words. 

The brunette really has no filter and Clarke doesn’t feel very comfortable with the knowledge that she is only knowing those things because the girl isn’t sober. She really doesn’t wanna take advantage of the situation, but Lexa seems to only want comfort and someone to be there for her. To hold her and reassure her. And well, Clarke isn’t very good at those things, but she has to try. So she rests the back of her head against the wall and adjusts again to a position where they are both comfortable enough. When Lexa starts to shiver, Clarke rubs her hand on the girl’s back and arm, trying to warm her.

“Well, I did this to you.” She says eventually, not wanting to take credit for cleaning up her own mess. Before she can say something else, though, there is a knock on their door and she climbs out of Lexa’s bed to grab their food. 

She pays and tips the dude before closing the door and places the take-out over the girl’s bed before claiming her spot again. “I bought Chinese. Is it okay?” She checks out because, well, she doesn’t know Lexa and maybe the girl has allergies or something like that. “If not, I think I may have some snacks in my bag.”

She half expects the girl to sit across from her again or try to avoid her, but Clarke returns right to her spot, so Lexa can lay against her and relax while the food is set down in front of her. 

"Yeah, Chinese is my favorite." She replies simply and reaches to grab a fork and the small container of chicken and rice. She stays silent for a while as she eats because piecing together sentences while she's high takes a lot of effort and she hasn't spoken to someone this much in a long time just because she's so quiet now. 

Clarke smiles and nods, “It’s my favorite too,” She says as she opens the boxes and starts to eat quickly, feeling hungry. 

"You didn't do this to me." Lexa murmurs quietly and rest against the girl's neck again after a couple minutes. "I did this to me. I try to get better." She murmurs and tries to ignore any emotions in her voice. "But I always let myself down. After a week or so I get withdrawals if I'm clean and my whole body will quiver all day and my anxiety gets horrible. I'm happier on drugs." 

Part of her thinks she won't even remember telling Clarke everything because it will all be one big blur after she naps. She keeps eating from the container and looking at Clarke every once in awhile. 

"Thank you for lunch. I feel better than I usually do when I've taken. That OxyContin stuff fucks me up, you know." She chuckles quietly like she had just made a joke even though she just admitted that she not only abuses pills, but highly illegal and regulated ones at that.

Clarke doesn’t say anything else but she frowns at the graphic description and stops eating to look at the girl. She knows now that she isn’t the one responsible for calling the cops on her and her friends, but it’s only now that she let that information sink in. 

She puts the box down, remembering all the things she and has friends has done to the girl since that fucked up night and imagining how many times Lexa sought out comfort in her drugs because of that. 

She swallows hard, feeling the guilt rising up again and she looks down, ashamed. She doesn’t laugh at the stupid joke and shakes her head before looking up at Lexa again. “You know, you deserve better than this.” She says lowly, but her voice is strong. She wants to say a lot more, to do a lot more. To apologize, to reach the girl out and tell her that everything is going to be better from now on. 

But she doesn’t. Lexa is pretty high and there is always the possibility of her not remembering any of this, so she just stay put and grabs her box to start eating again. “Finish your food and then sleep it off, yea?” She says with her mouth full. “You will feel better later.”

Lexa's eyebrows furrow into a frown at the mensions of what she deserves because she doesn't know exactly what the girl means but she already has several thoughts popping into her head. The first is that she's not anything. She's not special or deserving or worth fucking anything because if she was then she would have been able to help herself by now. 

"I don't deserve better." She murmurs quietly and her eyes are full of emotion as she looks at Clarke. "I'm messed up and that means I'm not good for anything." The words sound so familiar to what had been told to Lexa over and over again by the people who bully her, mostly Finn and the other boys in the group who got busted, but also random people around campus who knows the story. 

Another thought pops into her head, and that is, that Clarke might think Lexa just deserves better than her, so she speaks up again and sets the nearly empty box of chicken and rice down when she's finished. "This is the happiest I've been in months. I feel like you're going to make things better for me." She whispers and holds Clarke's shirt gently. 

"I feel like I'm not so alone and I hope that when I'm not high, I'll still remember how you have treated me, because I know you feel obligated because you encouraged me to get high, but this means so much to me, I honestly feel okay for the first time in a while.” After those words, she snuggles on Clarke's shoulder for a while before she eventually gets really tired and adjust herself so she's laying her head down on the mattress right next to Clarke, clearly still wanting to be close to her and comforted, but not knowing if she's allowed to lay and get comfortable in Clarke's lap.

“I… “ Clarke huffs and closes her eyes, throwing her head back against the wall for a second. “I know you’ve heard a lot of shit through these years, and I know that you probably believe them by now. But you shouldn’t.” She says, opening her eyes and turning her head to look at the girl. 

“And you shouldn’t rely on me just because I’m feeding you, Lexa. Don’t settle for little things.” She shakes her head again and takes a deep breath. “I know you feel alone and you need someone to be there for you, but this right now is the least I should do after the shit I did to you – not only today, but before all of this. Don’t get your expectations high about me. Don’t do it. I’m serious. I can’t take that kind of responsibility because I have my own shit too.” 

Clarke says seriously before putting the empty boxes on the ground and, with an annoyed sigh, she pulls the girl to lay down with her. “Don’t fucking freak out if you wake up and see me here.” She warns before closing her arms and pulling Lexa’s head to lay on her chest. “Now go to sleep.”

Lexa shakes her head slightly because Clarke is perfect to her right now and she doesn't seem to understand. "It's not because you fed me, it's because you cared and you tried and that will always, always be enough." Lexa's whole body seems to relax and melt against her, wrapping both arms around her stomach and nuzzling up into the nape of Clarke's neck so she can breathe in her comforting smell. 

"I know you don't think you're good enough, but as long as you try, you can't let me down." She says it genuinely because her standards are so low at this point that the only thing she wants is someone who fucking cares, and if Clarke can give that to her then she will be the most loyal friend a person can have. "I know you have your own shit but maybe we will be able to help each other."

The logical side of her says how as soon as she wakes up, Clarke is going to pretend this never happened, but the hopeful side of her right now says that just maybe this will work out, even if Clarke never defends her outside of this room, or never admits to her friends that she is fond of Lexa, it doesn't matter. She just needs someone and for right now Clarke is that person. "Can I tell you something?" She murmurs softly and let's out a deep breath. "I think you need someone too." 

She knows Clarke has all the boys who she gives herself too, and all her friends that will bring her to parties but then never care enough to help bring her home, but those people are not really there for her.

"And I know I'm probably not the person you want to be there, but I'll try to be anyway." And she means it. She really does. Even if she won't remember in an hour or two, right now she fucking means it and if Clarke told her that she needed something, the girl would try to do if. 

With those words, the girl does close her eyes knowing that within minutes she will be drifting into sleep, but this time with a full stomach and a shower and without quivering as she comes down from the drugs, because this time she's relaxed and prepared.

Clarke has her eyes closed, but she pays attention to what Lexa is telling her. The girl really doesn’t have a filter when she is drugged and Clarke fights the urge to roll her eyes again. She huffs and shakes her head, but keeps holding her close and safe. 

She gets it. Lexa needs someone and she will take whatever the fuck is given to her gratefully. But that’s bullshit and Clarke is really not comfortable to this kind of shit. So she turns to look at the girl with a frown, “First, you don’t know me.” She says serious. “You have no idea of what I need or how I deal with my own shitty life. You certainly don’t need this into yours.” She huffs again and clenches her jaw hard. 

“Secondly, crumbs will never be enough. Not even close. I know you are in need for some affection, but for fucks sake, Lexa, don’t take the first one that suddenly pops up. Don’t go dreaming about you and my being friends just because I acted like an actual human being and took care of your ass for a few hours. Don’t take less than you deserve, and fuck, I know you believe that this is all you deserve, but you are wrong. Don’t be dumb. I’m toxic as fuck and yeah, I know you are into those kind of dangerous stuff judging by the type of drug you use… But still. Don’t go fucking jumping into someone’s lap just because they treat you like a person.” When she finishes, she is sure that Lexa is already sleeping. So she takes a deep breath and rolls her eyes again before closing them. “Fucking asshole acting like a fucking puppy.” She mutters under her breath before falling asleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So if you are still reading then THANK YOU! I know that we took a super long break but we basically have finished writing this fanfic and so all we need to do it edit, but it is still a lot of work and we are completing the very end of it. We are going to try to update a lot more often here, but again, this is not our main story. Thank you for understanding and please remember that comments and kudos really inspire us to work hard!


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